Blame me
by Magenta1
Summary: After Entropy, Spike begins to wonder about his love life, his views on the Scoobies, & why everyone always blames him. Realizing what he feels for Anya might be love, he looks for her, only to find her as confused as he is. Will the truth set them free?
1. The journal entry

Blame me  
  
NOTE: The beginning starts out as an entry to a journal, so the sentences won't always be perfect. Some sentences will lack transitions, and the subjects will tend to change, since he's a little confused himself. I also mention a few things from the end of season 5. They might not be a hundred percent correct. I haven't seen it in awhile, so it's all from memory.  
  
Oh, and by the way, say whatever you want in your review. I'm not going to beg you not to flame me. Why should I? However, I do request that you review, because I like to know if people are reading what I'm writing. (even if they don't like it).  
  
Preface: The journal entry…  
  
5-1-02 A little past midnight…  
  
Do you love me?  
  
It's a question I've been asking for over a hundred years. But I've never gotten the answer I was looking for. Oh sure, the sex has been great, but love? Never. Of course I'VE been in love before. But has anyone ever loved me back? No.  
  
As a matter of fact, I don't even think anyone has ever really liked me. It's always MY fault if something goes wrong. Even when I was a child my mother used to blame me for whatever went wrong. If a piece of the pie was missing? My fault. The window could have been wide open, the pie on the sill, no one home; anyone could have taken it. But did she ever think of that? No, she always blamed it on William.  
  
Later, when I was turned and new to the world of vampires, a group of humans stumbled upon our hideout. Before I could even say anything, Angelus is screaming and cursing at me while torturing and killing the unfortunate humans. But was it my fault? The humans could have heard where our hideout was from anyone. They could have even followed Angelus when he came back from hunting. But no one ever thought of that!  
  
Most recently, Buffy has been blaming me for whatever troubles her. If she feels guilty? My fault! If she's being dishonest to her friends? My fault! She blamed me for stealing the demon eggs. Even blamed me for implanting the camera (by the way, I had no idea there even was a camera!) Also, she used to blame me for corrupting the Lil Bit. Hey, is it my fault that she happened to stop by in my crypt? Secretly, she even blames me for her death. If only I had saved Dawn before her blood was spilled and the portal opened.  
  
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There also was the time when Drusilla and I had gone to South America after Buffy sent Angelus to Hell. She said it was my fault that she was cheating on me. Yeah, like I forced her to make out with a chaos demon! I was making HER miserable and unhappy? Yeah, because it just feels so horrible to be the one actually cheating! But I'll get back to that…  
  
I haven't even mentioned all the times that the Scoobies have blamed me for just about everything that has ever gone wrong in Sunnydale! Especially that Xander. I never understood the stupid git. What did he have against me? He always said that I was nothing more than an evil, soulless 'thing.' Hey, can you blame me for being soulless? Okay, maybe I did want to become a vampire. And maybe everything I just mentioned was my fault. (Well, except for the camera). But they still shouldn't have blamed me!  
  
That Xander really has some issues. No one else had blamed me for implanting that stupid camera. But he did! If he wasn't such a weakling, he would have killed me already. But I never truly understood what he had against me, until tonight that is. Now I think I know. It's because he's jealous! Now, I don't necessarily mean that in a cocky way. It's simply a fact. That's also why he hated Angel. Because Buffy didn't love him like that, didn't want HIM like that. Well let me tell you something, the guy is an absolute moron! Before he knew I was sleeping with Buffy, he was jealous of me. Why? Because he thought there was more chance of her loving me like that than him. Me, the evil dead, having more of a chance with her than him! How stupid! She NEVER loved me, and she never will!  
  
But enough about Buffy. I think a part of me will always love her, just like a part of me will always love Drusilla and even Sicily. If I fall in love one more time, there'll be nothing left of me…  
  
But it's not like Xander hasn't ever been loved! Willow and Buffy both love him as friends. Hell, I even think a part of Willow is still IN love with him (The not gay one from high school).  
  
And then there's Anya. Anya always loved him. Any idiot could see that, except him. What kind of a retarded bastard walks out on a beautiful woman who loves him more than life itself? Did he forget that? Did he forget how she saved his life when Glory opened the portal? No one else seems to remember, but I do. I may have been a little out of it (I had just fallen off the tower), but I wasn't bloody unconscious! She pushed him out of the way before the beam hit him, nearly getting killed herself. Yet no one noticed. No one cared. Everyone was thinking about Buffy. Not that I should talk. That was all that was on my mind as well. She was dead, she had died. At that moment, my entire undead life came to a screeching halt. How could I go on without Buffy?  
  
Well, I did. Barely. Taking care of Dawn gave me a purpose. To tell you the truth, I didn't even think of Anya. I was consumed with grief from the loss of Buffy. I wish that I hadn't have been. Then I could have saw the fear and doubt in Xander and saved her from heartbreak. But all we thought about was the past. That is, everyone except Anya. She was ready to move on with life. She wanted tell everyone that she was engaged to Xander. Bring them some happy news. But instead of seeing it that way, Xander wanted to hide their engagement. It was too soon, too painful. Let's mourn some more over Buffy instead…  
  
Anya is the only one who was honest. Everyone eventually wanted to get on with their lives, but according to them, it would be considered rude and inappropriate. Humans are so stupid. Hell, even I'm stupid! For example, when I didn't tell Buffy I loved her until months later, when Drusilla came back to town. Even I didn't say what was on my mind! You see, I've always believed in being forthright. It saves a lot of time and problems. Plus, it makes you feel better. People who are forthright almost never feel guilty. That's why I was so shocked at how miserable Anya felt after Xander saw us having sex. She had even told me that the only reason she was doing it was because she was lonely and drunk . Oh yeah, that I smelled good. Chanel cologne. Ladies love that stuff.  
  
Anyway, the point I've been trying to make is that everyone blames me for everything. The only catch is that what I'm being blamed for is usually my fault.  
  
But it wasn't Anya's fault. She told me her reasons. I manipulated Her! But can I help it? My entire life (both alive and undead), women have been manipulating me. That's my weakness, you know. Well, I finally turned the tables around. But what bothers me is that Xander blamed her. He made her feel unworthy to even look at him. He has some nerve! Why, I wish…  
  
No, Anya told me not to wish. Guess she got her powers back. Well, if he doesn't take her back, I'll have to kill him myself, chip and all.  
  
Wait a minute, why the bloody hell should she go back to him?  
  
Damn it, it's happening again! Maybe I should stop seeing women altogether.  
  
Then again, life wouldn't be as interesting...  
  
You know what? I'm going to go find her. I'll see what happens, because I've had this feeling before, and it doesn't go away for awhile. I need to find out once and for all what I'm feeling, and for whom am I feeling this feeling for. Or something like that!  
  
Maybe I am to blame, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.  
  
To be continued…  
  
Okay, just want to let you know that the whole story will NOT be a journal entry. And my updates will NOT be once a day. One a week is more like it. (If I'm not swarmed with work). If you're a sworn Buffy/Spike shipper, you may not want to read this story. It's NOT against the shipper. A part of him will always love her. And a part of her may even love him… you have to read to find out! 


	2. Finding Anya

DISCLAIMER: THE CHARACTERS FROM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER DO NOT BELONG TO ME. THEY BELONG TO THE CREATORS OF THE SERIES, AND YADDA YADDA, BLA, BLA, BLA. YOU GET THE GIST, RIGHT?  
(I didn't bother with a disclaimer before, because I figured you guys were smart enough to figure out that I didn't create the T.V. show, but my friend told me I could get sued or something like that if I didn't put one, so here it is)  
  
The night was very quiet.  
Usually in Sunnydale, stereos could be heard blasting and the traffic honking at each other. But tonight, it was almost silent. Except for the sounds of a few crickets, all Anya could hear were the sounds of her own muffled crying.   
"Why did you have to do this to me Xander? Why put me through so much pain?"  
If leaving her at the altar hadn't been heartbreaking enough, the way Xander looked at her when he discovered she had had sex with Spike and the hatred and disgust in his voice all but killed her.   
She had been telling herself that it wasn't over, that this was all a crazy nightmare and pretty soon she'd wake up and be back at the altar. But it wasn't. She wasn't sleeping, and the pain running through her cut like a knife.  
She hadn't meant to cheat on him. All she had wanted a little vengeance on him (a really bad hair day, maybe a boil on the penis, little bunnies ripping his insides out…). Okay, maybe having bunnies rip his insides out was a more than a little vengeance, but she had been hurt. Really bad.  
The scenes kept replaying over and over in her head. Being left at the altar. Being left at the Magic Box. She was all alone, just like a thousand years ago, just how she'd always been.   
And the guilt she felt when Xander saw her was the worst of all. It was more unbearable than being left at the altar.  
"Oh, if only I hadn't been so stupid!" The thought kept playing itself over and over again in her head, until her exhaustion finally took over and she fell into a restless sleep…  
  
"Where is she?," Spike thought to himself.  
He had been looking for Anya for over an hour, but still had no luck. She obviously wasn't with Xander, that was a given. He already checked the local motels and bars, but no luck.  
He was just about to give up for the night, when he realized that he hadn't bothered going back to the Magic Box.  
He wasn't sure if what had happened between them was a mistake or a blessing. But he was going to find out, even if it killed him. Again.  
  
As Anya slept, the night replayed itself in her mind. But it wasn't the nightmare she thought she'd have. In fact, her dream didn't involve Xander at all. All she could see were Spike's bright blue eyes gazing at her, causing feelings of love and desire that she thought she would never feel for another man…  
Suddenly, the Magic Box door opened and she was jolted back to reality.  
"Hello, anyone there?'  
Before she could wait for an answer, Spike was right behind her.  
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, love."  
"Sc, scare me? Hardly. You just caught me by surprise. I mean, I wasn't expecting you to come here again so…"  
But before she could even finish her sentence, she and Spike were kissing once more, only this time, it was her who started it.  
Spike pulled away and looked at her in shock, but only for a second. His eyes seemed to be questioning her actions, but she didn't have for him the answers.  
"What was that for, Anya?"  
"Anya?," she thought to herself. "Didn't he call Buffy and Druscilla pet names?"  
Then again, she wasn't Buffy or Druscilla. She was Anyanka, plain and simple.  
"I'm not exactly sure why, to tell you the truth…"  
  
Spike sighed. He had hoped she knew why he had kissed her, why she kissed her back, and why they had made love on a table right there at the Magic Box. It was the same table he saw her head sleeping on when he just entered.  
"There has to be some significance to that," he thought to himself.   
But he couldn't find the words to say to Anya. But he NEVER found himself without something to say. Even in his mind, he could contemplate any form of specch. Just thoughts of Anya.   
Something was going on, and whether it was love or infatuation he had yet to find out.  
  
I know this chapter is short, but hey, I updated really fast, so points for that! Oh, and what I was telling you before on how often I was going to update? Ignore it. I have absolutely NO IDEA how often I will update. Whenever I feel like it, I guess. (I'll try my best to make it once a week at least, but like I said, I can't make any promises…) 


	3. Still confused

NOTE: []=Flashback quote or action  
  
The microwave had been beeping for 5 minutes, but Xander still hadn't mustered the strength to go and check on it. His heart was broken into tiny microscopic pieces, yet no body seemed to care.  
"G_d damn that Spike! When I get the chance, I'm going to kill him!"  
He loved Anya, he really did. It wasn't like he walked out on her because he didn't love her. He just happened to get scared. Really scared. She was his first love.  
Well, almost…  
Cordelia wasn't someone he ever thought of marrying. Then again, he hadn't even thought much of even liking her. Oh sure, it had been fun, but it wasn't love. It was more the lines of infatuation. She had been gorgeous and popular, he the cute, funny, nerd. She had been curious, he had been curious, and their "relationship" was born. They grew to like each other a lot. But they never loved each other. If they had, they would have worked out their relationship when he cheated on her.  
When he had cheated on Cordelia with Willow, he had found her sexy, but it was just a phase. They both had been curious about the relationship they could have. Would it have been based on love or infatuation, they'll never know.  
He still loves her. Ever since they were kids, he loved her. More than just friends. But it wasn't a romantic, sexual love. More like a brother/sister love. Which in most cases, is stronger anyway.   
And then there was Buffy. The first REAL crush he ever had. He loved her. And not just as a friend. Even now, no matter how many times he denies it, it kills him that Buffy can and will not EVER love him like that. Trapped as friends forever.  
Until he met Anya…  
At first, they had used each other so they wouldn't go to the senior dance dateless. After all, there's nothing worse then being left alone.  
Or so he had thought.  
Now, whenever he looks at Anya, all he can see is pain and betrayal. There relationship will never be the same again.  
It was different when he had cheated on Cordelia. Willow is a wonderful person, with a good soul and a kind heart.  
At least, that's what he keeps telling himself. The severity of cheating all depends upon who you cheat with. And Anya hadn't cheated with just any bum.  
Spike. The evil, soulless, "thing."  
"How could she? With the "creature" I hate the most!"  
Vampires. They disgust him. When he was in love with Buffy, Angel took her away from him. Now, Spike took his Anya away from him.  
"Why bother living if all life does is stab you in the back?"  
He sighed and slumped back on the couch.  
  
An hour has passed since Spike found Anya still at the Magic Box. After their second kiss, neither one of them had said a word. However, they didn't have sex either. They just sat there, leaning on each other.  
Both were confused and hurt, and neither wanted to start the conversation that was inevitable.   
"Where do we go from here?"  
Well, neither of them said it out loud, but they thought it in their heads.  
  
Anya sighed. Two kisses and an hour later, she still had no idea what was going on. She didn't feel miserable anymore, but she certainly wasn't happy.  
More like empty. After their second kiss (when Spike came to the Magic Box for the second time), she had gently pushed him away.  
["Spike, I know that this is weird. Believe me, I don't have any more of an idea what's going on between us than you do."]  
["So then no more worries, love"]  
[He leaned to kiss her again, but she shook her head]  
["Look, I don't know if this is love or infatuation, but how do you expect us to find out by just sitting here?"]  
["Because I'm not sure what I think! I don't want to hurt Xander again. Let's think this out before we go any further"]  
["All right, pet"]  
["Oh, and Spike?"]  
["Yeah?"]  
["Don't call me pet." I'm a demon, not a puppy."]  
There had been no smart comment from Spike, insulting Xander or making fun of her indecisiveness. He had been understanding and gave her some time to think.  
The only problem was, neither had come up with an explanation.  
  
"Last train leaving for Sunnydale in 5 minutes. All aboard!"  
The train station was almost deserted. Except for a couple of businessmen, no one in their right mind would take a train at 3:00 AM.  
"Soon, I'll be able to complete phase one of my plan. Oh, won't Sunnydale be surprised when the get a load of me?"   
  
Sorry if it was a bit confusing with the [] marks. 


End file.
